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The Gal From Rockford

I’m in the beginning of my later 30s.  I’ll go through waves of online date-prospecting, and I’ve had a subscription to Match.com for too long (don’t make good use of it).  One day, I logged in to cancel the subscription before it’d auto re-new, and I realized that I didn’t beat the clock.  Sigh.  I browsed around a bit, and cancelled it — so the premium service would end in 3 months, but I could still use it.

A day or so later I get an email from a seemingly cute gal in her mid-30s.  Most of her pics were vague closeups or far-away pics with sunglasses on.  She seemed likely cute though — although one caveat was that she had 2 kids.  And very recently divorced (online it usually means still separated and About to be divorced).

THE PRE-GAME KICKOFF
We agreed to meet Saturday afternoon somewhere possibly downtown for a drink and something to eat.  Problem is, leading up to this Saturday afternoon, on Friday night one of my friends brought me on a long-night excursion (that is his style) to go out past bar closing time — to a semi-local casino to meet up with one of the owners of a local bar in his area.  Man, I was tired — but drank free Mountain Dew, and played slots with some money given (even though I didn’t need it, but whatever).  To make a long story short, I was up until late morning with my buddy — and tired as Heck.  Not to mention having a few beers with him after 7am.  Finally around 11am-12pm, I was able to get away.  The caffeine was fleeting, but my date was at 2pm!  I needed to post-pone it by a couple hours to get a little crash-nap in.

I texted the gal — we’ll call her Kamry — an uncommon modern-day name in real life (I’ll talk a bit about that later).  I told her if we could meet up very near where I live (which was only 2.5 blocks away) at 4pm instead — she agreed.  

THE FIRST DATE (KICKOFF)
So still a bit out of it, but at 80%, I went to the nearby hangout, and she walked in.  Wow — she was Great looking!  We sat down on the patio, and had a great conversation.  I could tell she liked me, but I wasn’t showing my cards… and after a beer or two, about 30-40 minutes in, I gave her a little kiss on my way to grab another drink from the bar (and maybe to get a menu).  I find out later that shocked her — in a good way in the end.  If I wasn’t in such a bit of an odd exhausted-but-have-some-energy state after being awake so much, I probably wouldn’t have done it.  But I saw interest and just wanted to get the interest solidified.  I wasn’t coming across as complimentary — more like chit-chating with a new, fellow employee or something.  In the end, given that, it turned out to be a wise move.

We spent a couple hours there, and then we ended up going across the street to another neighborhood hangout and spent another couple hours there.  We exchanged a few kisses, we flirted — we hit it off.  I told her that some of my friends were going out later tonight and I was to meet up with them, and suggested she should join.  She agreed.  But that was aimed for later that night.  In this still somewhat early evening, we went over to my place.  We chit-chatted, talked, and then started to make out on my couch.  And then in the heat of kissing, she said to take her into my bedroom… and I did, where we had sex.

Now, this girl was a real catch to me.  We hit it off in the bedroom, and then we went to a bar a mile away at a little after 11pm, met up with a friend of mine, then went back to the neighborhood bar, and another friend showed along with a gal I know who knows (and possibly likes) him too.  Me, one of the guys & the gal, and Kamry went back to my place.  

Kamry and I were tired and just CRASHED shortly after arriving.  However, I crashed harder.  Kamry said she heard arguing and possibly passionate noise from my living room. LOL.  Anyway, just part of the adventure, right?  Very odd first date that lasted over 16 hours.

So that’s how Kamry and I hit it off.  A day-and-night-long date, capped off with sex in the morning.  She was apprehensive about showing nude and all in the morning.  I can understand.  I had a slight buzz + slight hangover that Sunday morning.  But overall, Kamry and I hit it off like peas & carrots.  

I really liked her.  She was outspoken & outgoing… had an apprehensive side & a daring side.  She was pretty much Brand New to dating, since her divorce.  She went on a date or two since parting ways with her husband in the beginning of the previous year, while she was newly pregnant.  She had a 1 year old and a 5 year old.  

HOW THINGS PROGRESSED
She’d call me up on the phone — which was important to her.  We texted & talked usually once on the phone.  We met up a lot.  I even went to her place during the day once just for a few hours before she’d pick up her 5 year old, being around her 1 year old.  I even met up with she & her employees at the tail-end of their happy hour.  At that meeting I could easily sense some uncomfortability on her part.  Maybe because I dressed very casually with a fashionable tshirt & jeans with “fashionable” rips in it, and they were in standard business-casual.  But they were programmers and such — and I am one, too.  Never really thought about it.  But at the end, she warmed up.

So I could sense this mixture of Hot & luke-warm with her.  Not a standard hot & cold — so I just placed this as her getting her feet wet.  She admitted that this was a lot for her.  It was to me… I didn’t mind her having kids, and I told her I like to hold things off in meeting the kids (namely the 5 year old) until things were very established for a Long Term Relationship.  I was really into her — a lot.  We dated for a couple of weeks pretty intensely, and got more comfortable with each other, up until the 3rd week started where things got a little odd.

My first time over at her place at night, living about 20-25 minutes away, here’s something to note:  She would talk about a programmer being a jerk about something — something about a web form for one of her clients.  I couldn’t really follow her, and her emphasis was on the guy not following her directions and him being a jerk.  OK.  

So in bed she references this yet again, and this time I wanted to know the details because it was a big deal for her.  At the time, my stomach was feeling like crap.  I have some digestive issues, especially if I drink too consistently in neighboring days, so I was holding back abdominal pressure pretty big.  Anyway, she ends up telling me about how this contract-working coder who she doesn’t know was being a jerk.  The client wanted a task-list on her website for her employees.  OK.  So a list of check-boxes & task descriptions that the employee checks off to register to the site that they got them done.  Just fine.  But she wanted the last task to be a hard-coded option to enter into a company-employee sweepstakes… and the kicker is, she wanted the Submit button at the very bottom to ONLY apply to that LAST checkbox.  WTF?  So no submit button for the task-list checkboxes, even though there’s a submit button at the bottom?  How is that not confusing for the user — as well as unnecessary complex work for the programmer to auto-save checkboxes on a task-list?  

Turns out, Kamry was FOR it.  I explained it — with passion (abdominal pressure, stomach churning being the instigator for that; it wasn’t nausea, it was the other kind) that it was Completely STUPID to want that — and the contract-coder was 100% correct to make a big issue about it!  I re-iterated that that’s all assuming what she’s describing is correct — and that he could have been a d!ck which shouldn’t be OK whatsoever — but the concept is F’D UP!  I apologized to her immediately after rambling on in “WTH” mode — she said “Don’t Apologize!  It’s great!  You’re Passionate!  You’re Right!  I love it!”  I had to leave though and well, take care of my tummy issues in my own bathroom.

One thing concerned me about this, though.  She is an IT project coordinator of sorts (works between coders & business admin).  How could she not know that that task list + sweepstakes checkoff included having a submit button ONLY referring to the last check-box for sweepstakes be OK?  She wasn’t stupid.  Which is one of the things I really liked about her.  But she fervently believed that it WAS OK!

It was the guy was most likely a jerk.  And if a jerk corrects you that 2+2=4, she’s the type to argue 2+2=5.  She was all about me, and me telling her, even that way of WTH mode — she agreed and came to her senses.  This was a red-flag that I didn’t really think about until the 3rd week of Dating started.

THE GOOD, THE BAD, and THE UGLY 3RD WEEK
In the beginning of our 3rd week, she had vacation-from kids.  She has split custody, which is great for Dating.  I liked that.  Here she had a vacation from them, and she wanted to see me basically every day — which was great.  EXCEPT two of my friends who don’t get out much at all, wanted to go out that week on Tues — and possibly Wed.  This week ended up being quite a drink-fest.

I told her it wouldn’t be best to go out on Tues.  It disappointed her.  But I was so sorry, etc — she told me not to worry about it, she understood, etc.  Okay, great.  Wednesday evening, they were going to hang out again — which was very odd for them.  She was out for an after-work drinking thing, and I told her to join.  She was apprehensive.

I also know that she felt odd that we didn’t talk on the phone on Tuesday.  But I told her she came over during her lunch break and we texted some that day.  She has earmarks for clingy — which is cute, especially when I’m really into the girl, but I was struggling with this social balancing act early into things with her.  I wanted some room and not be the guy who ditches all his friends because he just met a girl.  I wanted her to be there over 90% of the time — which is more than many guys would ask for, right?  But my other concern was that I was coming across as a party animal — even though these weren’t party-atmosphere arenas.  Hey, she has a kid-vaycay and back in the day she talks about how she was very social, going to bars, etc before getting married & popping out babies.  Alright…

So on Wed she arrives, I’m cuddly & sweet, etc.  I assure her that the attention I’m giving her is cool because it’s front of MULTIPLE friends.  If I were hanging out 1-on-1 with a buddy, then it’d be awkward.  But with multiple friends, it’s not weird/awkward to be hand-in-hand, arm-in-arm, and doing little kisses once in a while — no worries!  I told her that tomorrow night (Thursday) I *will* be hanging out 1-on-1 with a buddy of mine for a usual meet up late night Thurs for a few hours and a few beers.  I told her THEN it would be best not to be so “touchy feely”.

So that night on Wed, she was touchy feely some, but went out of her way to play self-proclaimed Wing Woman for a buddy of mine — who’s married.  Ok.  Odd, but cool — it’s all in tongue-in-cheek fun. We go to a half piano-bar, half club later that evening and she drags him out on the dance floor to meet girls.  Me and my other friends chuckle about it.  She seemed a little odd, though.  It’s like she didn’t want to, or was maybe scared of being arm-in-arm with me a lot.  Hmmm.  More uncomfortable — but we did somewhat.

Anyway, we get back to my place and in bed we had an argument.  At this point, I forget what it was about — it wasn’t anything huge — but she got up to just Suddenly Leave.  Now, to me at the time, I felt like she was essentially Leaving Me (or pretty much so).  I was very upset & hurt, and I threw out some words to sting her — in reference to the situation — but how she handles herself, and she’s treating me like I’m Bob, her ex — and that I’m not Bob, and if that’s the way she treated him, well, I can understand.  I was a d!ck.  I was scared.  I was totally falling for this girl and here she was BOLTING, for what I saw was not a good reason — an argumentative thing about things between us.  Things were happening so much, so fast…

Anyway, I cooled her down and apologized for saying that stuff, but understand my concerns.  We talked on the couch, and got back into bed, and everything seemed fine.  It all happened quickly, but intensely once she started to Bolt.  But in the end, I’m a rational, calm person, and it all seemed good.

So Thursday comes around, and she and I hang out together.  We have a great time, and around 11 we were to meet my one buddy 1-on-1.  We end up getting there and he was delayed by a half hour.  She and I sat together, and during this point, she realized a lot of people knew me here.  I high-fived a couple people, and a gal ordering a drink next to me, as I sat with Kamry, asked me if my name was what it was — and remembered me.  I didn’t remember her… she was older (and yeah, a bit cute).  Anyway, time rolls on, and Kamry & mine’s original mission was to get my buddy to mingle with some girls.  Much how she was with one of my friends the previous night.

So we go to another portion of the bar, and there he is talking to two gals!  Turns out, one of them knows me too — she used to work there and is married.  But she has a single friend who my buddy was talking with.  At first, Karmy stayed where we were sitting, but I motioned her over.  She was reluctant and unhappy.  I was expecting her to go into wing-woman mode like she so feverishly was last night, since my friend arrived.  She wasn’t.  Quite the opposite.  So in a lull in their convo I said something to the single gal, positioning my body open between she and my friend.  She chatted toward me for 10-15 seconds, and I said OK, mentioned something about my buddy, and he started saying something more toward the married one he knew.  Okay, he’s a bit shy maybe.  I realized he wasn’t trying to talk “to girls”.  I turned to my girl and hold her back and she still seemed upset.  Uggh, I’m thinking — I don’t want to have to deal with someone who’s bi-polar.  And also, admittedly, I feel guilty about being out SO many times with her when there’s friends.  Bad timing, my two friends being out Tues & Wed evening!  It could have been she and I those two evenings alone — so I feel guilty about this image here, but at the same time, I know how I feel about her — and if we’re going to spend SO MUCH time so often, SO QUICKLY, I think it IS good amongst one’s friends.  And plus, she seemed happy & fun last night!  Tonight, complete opposite!

So I turned to her and say, “You don’t look happy.  Are you alright?”  After a few blah-“I’m ok” by her, I finally turn to her and say “Are you wanting to go back?”  She said “I’m 50/50”.  It’s close to midnight and I just wanted to cut to the chase — and I said “Okay, I’ll take you back… let’s go.”

She was upset leaving, not wanting to touch me leaving really.  I didn’t say it in a mean way — more of a prompt way, but nice.  I took her back when her stomach wasn’t feeling well on July 5th when fireworks were going off.  But this time she was upset.  Her eyes were glazed over with wetness.  No tears, but upset, holding it in — but not fuming at all.  She said as getting toward the car “I’m just going to go home.”  I was asking why, etc — and she said she’s not mad at me, she’s not mad at me, etc.  I wanted things to be cool.  I didn’t want another argument and I wanted to enjoy the night.

I took her back and we had a cigarette on my porch… it was slightly awkward, somewhat affectionate, but kind of puzzling.  I also didn’t want to leave my friend behind at that bar which was SURPRISINGLY busy (due to a country music concert being had a block away).  My friend isn’t the biggest solo-social guy + no other mutual friends.

So I let her go home without any arguing or anything.  We didn’t argue, but there was concern.  WTF?  Why did she want to go?  I wasn’t there for HIM.  I was there for Her *and* also not ditching him.  Why did she turn a 180?

She texts me that it’s sad that our dynamic shifted suddenly.  Huh?  What did *I* do?  

After the night ended, I texted her some, showing my frustration about it — more in Defense of myself, and that yes, she was upset.

The next day she wanted to clean it up — she swiftly came over during her lunch break and talked to me about it — she wasn’t mad, etc.  I didn’t want to sweep this under the rug.  She was laughing at me that I thought she was upset the previous night.  She was treating this as if it was July 5th and she felt not-so-great (but this time went Home, not to my place in the area).  I pointed out the obvious and it was important not to play it off like something it wasn’t.  She said that I was having fun mingling & talking with girls — and I pointed out that no, I wasn’t doing that — I was expecting Her to do that like Wed night with my other friends! 🙂

It wasn’t a fight, it was sorting things out she didn’t want to, as if it was something small — but it wasn’t.  In the end, things were just fine & dandy.  We sorted it out, kissed, etc.  

That night we were to hang out, with my friends, and the night went great.  But ended in a BAD DAY that poisoned things.

THE FINAL NIGHT, AND LEAD UP TO BREAK UP
So Friday night, we had fun — a great time.  I wasn’t even really thinking about the previous night anymore.  At all.  We actually DID sort things out and she realized how that wasn’t a big deal in reference to everything — which is a great way to deal with stuff.  Heck, in a new relationship forming, with two talkative people who are falling for each other and not normally fans of things moving too quickly — that’s a Good thing.  Friction about stuff will occur, etc. — good to resolve, not to sweep under rug.  And to learn from it.  Great, right?  

Well, yes.  But I think underneath it all, she does things to Avoid conflict when she’s really confused, etc.  

That night, with all that drinking, I got Sloshed.  It caught up with me.  I was exhausted drunk more than anything.  We get back to my place and my #1 hatred for all things on Earth occurred.  The guy downstairs had his music BLASTING.  Walking up to my place he said it’s one of his friend’s 21st birthdays (the guy living down there with his GF is in early-mid 30s).  Upon walking into my place, the place is SHAKING due to the bass.  The house is old, and it’s almost like at some frequencies the base INCREASES going through the floors & walls.  Uggggggh!

So I can’t get this out of my head.  I’m already frustrated.  I took some weird “male energy” pills from my buddy who gave them to me.  They give you angst apparently more than anything.  And makes you horny.  But I was also dead-tired-drunk at the same time.  We get into bed, and with that bass going on getting to me — it’s like having your mother in the other room — “Mr Happy” is not going to want to come out and play so readily.  And I did not want that Booming music to continue.  So Kamry was tugging at my junk and kissing it — but Mr Happy wasn’t so cooperative. 

This was embarrassing and frustrating at the same time with this bass booming too.  What, am I in college?!  I keep telling the guy down there to keep it down.  Although I haven’t told him yet.  I’m just in a whirlwind of frustration.  Add to that, Kamry could see some frustration about me + she’s not a huge fan of foreplay… especially if I’m not getting it up apparently.  I do know our long sex sessions, she would have concerns that I wouldn’t cum — as if she doesn’t excite me enough despite me being rock-hard.  I’ve told her before it’s the Complete opposite — I like to please her!  I love enjoying it, as a woman can cum many times and I can only cum once in a session.  

ANYWAY… my frustrations with the bass blasting, helping to lead to Mr Happy going nowhere led me to be a D!CK toward her when she said we should just go to sleep.  I was drunk + horny with all this.  Oh, I *could* get it up but shoot, that’d require some mental focus away from this bass, and well, some more patience by her.  I wasn’t mad at her — at all — I was blaming myself on the inside but I was a D!CK in general, and I was directing some at her and I was being a whiny b!tch.

She then gets real upset and is BOLTING.  Oh.  Shit.  This is the end, isn’t it?  She’s bolting.  I then act like I was before but moreso — I figured this was the end.  I question her about doing that and what she thinks of me.  Again, I’m in defensive mode — but this time being a jackass.  Now, it’s about 3am at this point — her leaving and not so sober herself isn’t a good idea.  I went off about how her perspective is on things, blah blah — and she blows up like a mad hatter at me.  She goes nuts (not like I was being calm at all) — real nuts at me.  I put on the brakes on myself and try and calm her down and she’s flailing her arms, pushing me to get away — I’m trying to calm her down.  I’m drunk so I don’t realize all that booming music will cover her sounds of going so ape-sh!t — just my instinct.

I yell that she is NUTS.  Nuts.  That she should leave and I don’t want to see her again (as her leaving IS doing that anyway already).  She then sits on my couch and says she needs her earrings.  I told her I don’t know where they are — on the nightstand?  No?  I don’t know — I’ll mail them to you.  “Go!  Go!  You’re fvcking nuts!  Get out!” I said repeatedly, went to my back door to smoke to let off steam…. came back in to the front, and saw her taking off.

At that point I wanted her to stop and come back, but she started her car and left.  And my pride took over and waved her off with a stern face and went back in.  I felt like SHIT.

I felt guilty about the bass going so much — and letting that end things between she and I.  I went downstairs because I needed a beer — and the guy downstairs said the 21 year old kid could use a few bucks — his dad didn’t show, etc.  So in an odd way I wanted to be a peace-person, not an arguing person — so I gave the kid a 20 dollar bill.  Everyone was happy.  That’s the kind of person I am, that’s what I wanted to focus on — even though that partying is rightfully Hated by me. 🙂

After 3/4ths of one beer, and a few words spoken about “my new girl” and it ending, I said “F it” to myself, and drove over to her place.  I found her earrings and she gave me her address… and I said have a nice life.  This was before I decided to just drive over there.

I got there at around 4:30am, and left my phone at home.  I knocked on the door, she let me in, and I apologized deeply.  I was drunk, so my articulation was probably not the best in the best ways but it was heartfelt, true, etc.  She told me we should go to bed, and we did.  We started to fool around, but Mr Happy wasn’t up for it — lots of emotions and I was even more tired.  I expressed a little frustration then just laughed, and we went to bed.

The next morning, the “power came back on” in reference to Mr Happy, and had morning sex.  We had to get up early as she had to do some stuff.  She seemed off, but understandably to some degree — plus neither of us got any sleep.  

THE SEEMINGLY FINE-THEN-BAD AFTERMATH SAT-WED MORNING
During the day there Saturday we texted & talked.  She seemed cool about everything.  I told her I had plans for someone’s birthday thing I said I’d go to — and yes, I felt like going out — I thought our thing was pretty much resolved, etc.  She ended up staying in.  I should have gone over. 

The next day she seemed a little off… but cute & cool.  She warmed up and said I would have been bored coming over, but I said looking into her eyes would be a real treat.  She said that was sweet.  I was worried she was slipping away and TOTALLY regretted not going over there on Saturday.  Kicking myself.  I am too much into keeping unofficial, not-big, not-so-real obligations with people.  I try to be overly social since I’m getting older.  Sigh.

The next day Monday, I didn’t hear from her.  She always calls, texts, etc.  I texted her nearing 7PM and said she’s being quiet.  She said yes she was.  She said she’s thinking about stuff, etc.  I apologized about Friday night again — and she said no need to apologize, she forgave me, etc — she can’t focus so no, she can’t talk on the phone.  Uh oh.  

I used my sense of humor, off topic to change the mood… which seemed to work but my last two texts went un-replied.  Then around 11ish, she texted and asked if I was still up.  We shot the sh!t, being funny, but she seemed to lack some energy about herself — but was was getting to bed and it was late, so I didn’t want to read Too much into it… but still, the regret of Friday Night + not going there on Saturday night killed me.

I figured Tuesday I would let her process things and we’d talk on the phone.  She was not texting or calling.  I could tell things were afoot and wanted to keep the ball in her comfortable court for a while… but it was nearing 8PM.  I called my friend Mark about it, but he was putting HIS kids to bed FOREVER (how long does it take?! He’s not a single dad!) — I needed his advice.  What should I do?

My whole concept was that she tends to respond & chase if she felt like she did anything wrong.  I think I made the mistake by telling her that she’s Amazing when she was saying I thought she was crazy.  Yeah, crazy in certain ways which a couple could laugh about looking back in the past when first making things happen and all the oddities of going out and things happening too much too fast, with a gal who’s just getting her feet wet in the dating world.  And she was awry and weird — but she was amazing to me.  But that made me look like she did nothing wrong and I’m a bad guy.  And psychologically speaking — I’m the chaser, and she can make any decision she wants.  No pressure.  She has no emotional urge to chase anything.  And her attitude on Monday & Sunday was sympathetic toward me, not mad.

Plus, I saw her on Match.com, active.  I hid my profile about 1-2 weeks ago, and at this point it’s been almost 3.5 weeks since we had our first date.  Her profile is active, and the times I logged in (with hidden profile) she has been active within 24 hours.  Here, she was active in 1 hour yet not texting or calling me.  Combine this with her sympathetic attitude — I believe she lost interest.  Even though her interest was as high as could be less than a week ago.

So talking for WAY too long with him about ins and outs (and the whole story) — it was already 10:30PM! 50/50 chance of her going to bed already — although I’d like to say closer to 60/40 that she was not Asleep.  I called, no answer.

I was depressed kinda, and knew the end was near.  I went to the neighborhood bar at midnight to have some beers, and decided to block her on my phone with a free blocking app.  Beforehand, I blocked her on Match.com (and kept my profile unclickable) — so she couldn’t even see my hidden mark of existence.

“GET OUT OF HERE NOW…. JON DOE HAS THE UPPER HAND!”

The next morning I thought I heard my phone go off.  Hmm, no text or call.  I checked the Mr Number free-blocking app — and under blocked content, I saw she left messages to me via text.  I didn’t want to read.  But I wanted to see.  I clicked on it, and three small paragraphs of text.  I instinctively read the first sentence which was how I was a great, funny, successful guy — and I shoved my eyes away — I could see where this was going.  In the middle I saw something about fighting 3 times in 3 weeks — and the end, “I think we shouldn’t be seeing each other anymore.”

We didn’t Fight 3 times in 3 weeks.  It was actually 2 times, one, on that Thursday night being a big concern — that was sorted out.  It was almost admitting that it Was a big deal to her, because if it was, it was just a hidden fight within her.  

But us fighting actually happened twice — in the last week.  With that one big concern of her wanting to bolt on Thurs night for seemingly no real reason (jealousy?).

I wisely decided not to respond then.  Jon Doe has the upper hand! (See movie “Seven”).

WHAT TO DO?
I was so motivated to call her — or write her back shortly thereafter.  But I figured given that she was active on Match + over the past couple days withdrawn & being sympathetic toward me — it had all the earmarks of her positioning herself to break up with me… not just from a logical standpoint in her mind’s eye, but emotionally.  

Sure, emotionally she’s not even-keeled when it came to stuff — but she also seemed more even-keeled at that point.  I gave it about a 20% chance that we could still talk some, but only a 5-10% chance it’d spark again, etc.  I think at THIS POINT, it was finally on a path that would need a lot of luck to get on track.

It hurt a lot that she didn’t want to meet for a little bit, even some restaurant in a quiet booth during the week, or even talk on the phone wanting to “have a talk”.  She was moving on.  A big punch in the stomach, being both conversational and chuckling as if things were continuing — yet showing hints by her demeanor but then just dropping off and hitting up prospects before having a talk.  Wow.

It’s funny how she really liked the Notebook, the movie.  I like it, but it’s flawed.  But one of the things about the movie is in their summer fling, they fought all the time.  It was part of their passion.  Now, that’s unrealistic… but what is more realistic is between she and I, it is something that we could have laughed about if we worked out getting past all the “initial phase” crap, with her apprehension yet strong excitement about things.  It really sucks that she kept to herself processing everything — or utilizing others but not me, for even a small portion of it.  She’s new to the dating field, though.

I have regrets — and also frustration due to the bad timing.  So much could have been done for this NOT to unfold this way.  Some of it’s my fault, some of it is what she went with by her own volition that could have been avoided.  It just sucks it ended that way.

So why not write her back?  Part of me wants to write her a letter mailed to her — much like the Notebook.  But she was already scoping out guys before she ended things.  It’s sad, really.  

In any situation where there’s a lot of feelings had, closure & resolution is important.  She likes to bolt away from things… and me not writing her back, which I don’t think she deserves, will at least let her see the bitter side of taking the chicken way out.

With rebound-effect feelings, as she’s one who has missed me just not seeing me for 1.5 days, she could think that I never really cared or whatnot.  I obviously did — she had the sympathetic feelings toward me, while she went forth behind my back on Match again.  I was just in no position to be hurt… to go through the process of HER resolving things, to speak again, to be chased again — so that she could wind it down in the most comfortable way for herself.  That makes the guy, me, hurt even more, and that’d be selfish for her — even though it still has pained me not to talk to her.

 

 

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